just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
fuck your aforementioned shoe
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
