I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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