If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
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I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
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If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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