Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
The maid of honor just puked.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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