Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
