Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
