she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
