Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
