I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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