A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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