I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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