Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
