I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
