As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My life is pants optional.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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