YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
