Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He called his prostate his "boner button".
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
