my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
