But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
