when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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