i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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