My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
