i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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