Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
