he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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