So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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