"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I love you.
Bad choice
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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