I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
