By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
