Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
