he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
