theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
