in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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