you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
