New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
