I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
