get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Randomize
