the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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