I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
