He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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