Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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