I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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