Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
God gave him joint rollers for hands
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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