Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
