Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
