I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
