i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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