I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
