Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
