I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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