Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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