The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
