I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
