I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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