I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I love you.
Bad choice
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
