He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
